Motherhood is so strange, there are still things I’m experiencing that are completely new to me and things I’m still waking up to. That I have an actual son, a little baby boy – one that is quite a lot bigger than that now! –
that is equal parts Mitch and equal parts me and I can’t quite believe it even now. I can’t believe how big he is and the amazing little sentences he makes and that he lives in our house, I give him baths and buy him clothes.
It’s definitely changed how I see myself, that’s the strangest thing. One part of you adjusts straight away but it takes years for the other part to find a footing. I’ve been kind of carrying on as the girl I was before because that’s all I knew, just taking care of this little person as well. There are now moments bleeding through where I feel like his mother and it makes me so proud and pleased to have such a prominent position in his life and be so needed, that he longs to be with me as much as I with him and I utterly love that. That’s what I always envisioned motherhood to feel like, to just never being able to stop staring at this little person.
Every day is hard work, I am stretched to my limits and overwhelmed. A lot of the time doesn’t feel good, everything feels a mess and I’m so tired and guilty, I can’t cope with everything he throws at me. I adore his little company, he makes me melt all the time, how in those moments we just throw the idea of perfect parenting out the window and embrace the chaos together. Everywhere we go as a family feels like home, even surrounded by half painted walls and unpacked boxes still because I am always too tired to tackle anything more. I am so grateful for Mitch’s help. We have our home in a little happy bubble of chaos.
I love the things he loves, poring over puzzles, his car collection, counting down from 10 on iplayer ‘next episode’ the same with the microwave, and the little neck nuzzles he does when he’s upset. He loves to colour on anything except for paper, especially himself (you might notice he has a blue face and hair streaks in these photos) and also talks about himself in third person or refers to himself as ‘you’ which is so cute!
He can say so many things now, he loves to talk about shadows and monsters and how they ‘eat Oscar’s doughnuts’ haha. He is forever asking for warm chocolate milk, which he pronounces as ‘warm toilet muck’.
He is obsessed with two shows, Hey Duggee and Bing, and even talks about them in his sleep. He gets so involved, waving his little fists about and gritting his teeth. He will always declare ‘want Bing on’, for us to say ‘you want to put Bing on?’ and he goes ‘oh-kay!‘, it always makes us laugh! Another phrase is ‘oh man!’
When a car falls down the sofa he goes ‘oh no, what a shame!’ and when he sees the gerbils in the morning (they live upstairs) there’s an ‘ooooh cuuuuute!’ and then ‘see you in the morning gerbils’. He always tries to have a game of hide and seek with me when we get downstairs in the morning, only he tells me where to hide.
He copies me saying ‘hi sweetie’ and most recently ‘sooo tired today’ and studiously works on his little learning push button computer device in the mornings and evenings when he’s bored in his cot. We always joke that he’s having late night revision sessions! We recently discovered the Duplo lego blocks, they are so much fun.
Tantrums are often and difficult, especially when he doesn’t know what he wants and rejects any form of comfort. It can be as simple as not wanting to have his top on and he will scream for an hour! He is so sweet and affectionate though, after the nasty flu we had, he regularly asks if we are feeling better. He is getting better at dressing himself, putting his wellies on himself, though he still tries to go out in our shoes haha!
I panicked a lot because motherhood didn’t feel like I thought it would at all, I wish I had allowed myself time to adjust and that not being able to get your head round your feelings doesn’t mean you love your baby less, it means you’re determined to be the best you can be for him. I’m making it my mission to move as far away as possible from the idea of perfect parenting, just gravitating towards happy things instead ♡